. . . like you don't belong; at least you don't belong to many things? You have belonged to some things which you later learned you would rather not. But you suppose that's simply a matter of your maturation process.
You feel like you're pretending; like you're playing charades; like you're going through the motions. You want to put your heart and soul into the things you do during the preponderance of your waking hours. But you simply can't. You're not cheating anybody; you are devoting yourself to your daily tasks to the best of your abilities.
But you cannot deceive your own heart. You can't pretend to love what you do not love. You may do a respectable job of deceiving or deflecting any suspicion; but you cannot pretend. That's not to say that you are insincere or calculating. You are honest, conscientious and devoted. In a 'fair' supply and demand situation, you will (and do) deliver.
But how many are able to devote their waking hours to the pursuit of their heart's desire and provide for all the physical needs at the same time? NOT MANY! That you truly believe.
You feel the daily stresses of life just like anyone else. You have your responsibilities and do not want to run from them. You embrace your responsibilities. And during the hours remaining when your 'workday' is over, you actually enjoy true happiness in all that you do. TRUE happiness.
So it seems that you really are an outsider. You can't or don't necessarily express yourself very well with regard to this dilemma and have very few people to whom you can express even a portion of this and only one to whom you can express it all. But you think those aren't bad statistics. At least you're happy with them.
Ever feel this way? I have.
What do YOU think?
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